Aaron Hartley

 

Penance

(2020)


From My Thoughts, 06/07/20


CW: Sexual Assault, Child Abuse(I know, pretty fucking heavy)

My political journey is quite an interesting one, I first fell into the trap that is giving a shit about politics when I fell into the Edgy YouTube Atheism bubble, now idk if that actually counts as politics but it sure fucking felt like it, nothing made me fell smarter than looking at a screen and listening to the mildy funny nerd man on the other end make fun of people's faith because it didn't make sense when you applied Facts & Logic™ to it. I've written about this in a Forward article that has yet to be published so I won't get too much into it here in the hopes that one day that comes out, but basically: Step 1.Atheism Step 2.Anti-Feminism Step 3. Being an incel ??? Step 5 Communism

So anyway, what got me to join the CYM specifically, well this is where the Content Warning comes in, so buckle up, because this is not a fun first post...

Right so basically, a girl who for the purposes of this article we will call "A" because I can't come up with anything more creative due to the strong emotions I feel that mean I cannot use my emotional/creative part of my brain without being unable to write this, joined my class in 5th year, from far away I liked her, she seems cool and funny and smart and also severely broken inside like me, so I thought she was cool. She thought I was cool too I guess since we became friends, she later mentioned that one of the things that made me stand out to her was that during a class discussion during religion on like "What's your biggest fear" everyone else said like spiders or some shit and I was like (now on purpose to be funny, I am not pretentious (I say while writing a blog)) "The global rise of fascism", so that's pretty cool. I guess that is what brought us together that we were both different, we both were kinda broken too, I mean what became 'our song' was lovelytheband - broken which sums it up pretty well except for the "trust fund kids" bit, I ain't bougie.

But so anyway, we got close, very close, but not all the way close, like we spent days and days together, we would go for walks all the time she would hang out in my room for hours and we would play a PS2 emulator on my computer, in school we were inseparable, she became my life and I became hers, I would only hang out with her an her only with me, well except when I was out of school and I was out a lot in fairness, but what I mean by not all the way close is that we wern't going like, although I would have loved nothing more, but I wasn't good enough, until she got desperate/accepted I was a fuckup, but by then it was already nearing the end and I wasn't cconfidentenough to notice.

I put myself beneath her, I was a simp basically lmao, I didn't respect myself so I couldn't posibly have respected her, looking back I can tell she wanted so much to love me, like romantically, but she didn't want to tie herself to a deadweight and I took that as a hit to my pride so instead of becoming better I just became more pathetic, I wasn't good enough for her but I so think eventually she got desperate enough to believe I was going to improve, even when all the evidence pointed to the contrary.

I am only learning this now as I reflect writing the post right now, I have not had contact with her now nearly 3/4 as long as I actually knew her, yet she was so deep, and I so dumb that I still figure things out every time I think about it, or maybe I am making it up to make myself feel better :)

In the summer of 2019 I went to Croatia, her home country, for two weeks to stay with her in her grandparents house on the beautiful Dalmatia coast, looking back this was when she wanted to want to be with me the most, I was in her room most of the day and even slept there 4 or so days, we swam in the sea almost everyday together and we drank together at bars nearly every night and even drank one night on the beach and then went for a swim together. You couldn't ask for anything more romantic, except you could, to do it with anyone else but me. But I think she had been grinded down at this stage, I think she wanted anything at that stage and at that stage I was what she had, now I didn't realize this of course until the moments I am typing this up, I was an idiot then but still am one now, but I spoke with her Aunt and she asked if I liked Girl A and I foc of course said yes, she then told me to like meet her at the beach the next day and she would tell me like a secret about Girl A or something, the next day Girl A could see something was up so I didn't go and never learned the secret, part of me still wonders if that would have been the key to it all but also her Aunt was a bit crazy lmao so tbh it was probs fuck all lmao. But anyway, I grinded Girl A down with my patheticness and her aunt suggested I kiss her at the airport while I was leaving, I agreed and I feel Girl A knew, she asked while we were waiting if I had brushed my teeth that morning, show how fucking terrible I was that that was even a question, and show how low her bar was.

So we got to the checking area and we stood there, just before I went into security, and of course we didn't kiss lmao, I was a fucking coward, the most confident people would have a challenge there, I sure as shit wasn't going to do it.

So anyway on her being broken down, before now I had wished I had kissed her, i knew it woudn't have fixed anything, but it was my selfish little thing that I allowed myself, but now looking at it, we were both saved by that. You see she had an abusive father who beat her when she was a kid adn her mother didn't stop it because she was afraid, that shaped her, that broke her, she resented the both of them, her father for beating her and her mother for not standing up to him and leaving earlier. My mother was abused by my father which broke her and she in turn abused me, breaking me. So me and Girl A were both broken, as I said earlier, from abuse. And now I, a deadbeat at that time basically, had broken her down to the point where she liked me, I find that disgusting, and I am only just realizing it now.

In short it was doomed to fail and we are both better off, her especially, our friendship and whatever else may have come, ended. My destroying of her emotionally by being her only close friend and being very very close certainly contributed, I'd imagine, to the end but what really fucked her over and what made her cut contact entirely was something really fucked that is inexcusable, but requires me to go back in time a bit here because I am terrible at liner storytelling it seems.

At the end of school for the Christmas holidays in her first year at the school in 2018 some lads said they would go out for drinks the day after school ended, she said I should come and I obvs said yeah. However on the last day of school they decided they would go that day as well as the next, I decided I would pass on the last minute plans and instead walk home with my other friend, who was feeling left out from me spending all my time with Girl A, and just go in the next day. Girl A decided to go in anyway with the lads. One of them sexually assaulted her while she was in town, and also leaked that I like liked her which she didn't know before then, so that's fuuuun. Totally traumatising for her obviously, we grew close in a large part through me helping her through that, which makes how I fuck it all up all that much worse.

Fast forward again from then to now past the holiday in Croatia all the way up to the night of November 9th and I have this date saved thanks to a Snapchat taken by the person who had sexually assaulted her the year before. But anyway, let's not get too far ahead, basically we are invited to a party, she calls me to tell me this and we head to a shop where we are told to wait so people from the party could come and collect us, but we get the text that one of the people coming to collect us is the person who sexually assaulted her, we panic a bit but we come to the decision to go anyway, a decision I regret heavily. We get brought to the party anyway and I fuck up bad. Really stupidly bad. Inexcusably bad. I made some teasing jokes, stuff that would be fine in another context, just playful sexual jokes taking the piss BUT SHIT YOU SHOULD NOT FUCKING SAY WHILE SOMEONE IS IN THE SAME ROOM AS SOMEONE WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED THEM YOU FUCKING DUMB CUNT.

when we left we took the same taxi, a family friend of hers, we argued on the way to the taxi, i hadn't realized what i had done yet, i argued back even not even knowing what we were arguing about. i fucked up. i failed her. as i had been doing the whole time really. i cried for weeks when she stopped talking to me. i cannot even imagine how she felt. i felt awful. i feel awful. i have felt awful since. i used be able to say, and was proud of saying, that i had no regrets, that i had learned from my mistakes sufficiently that they were worth it, i can't say that now. i never will be able to again. i fucked up and probs ruined a large portion of her life adding to the trauma that she had experienced all her life. how can i ever make up my debt to her, fact is i can't. next best thing i can do is try make up my debt to the world in general but idk even if i can do that when i cause so much suffering to a girl already so broken. i feel like a monster. all i can do is try and become a better adversary to the evil i have done in the world.

So then on the night of the December 12, 2019 Corbyn got fucking owned in an election and I had nothing to lose, I had lost my only friend I had left after I neglected the rest of them to be with her 24/7, and I wanted to make the world a less shit place so I joined the CYM that night because I didn't want to see leftism die like I had just seen happen in the UK. I hope I can make the world better to make up for how much I have failed the person I cared most about.